ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
