I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
