Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
