i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
