I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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