you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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