Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
