holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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