this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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