Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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