i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm bleeding and have questions
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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