Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i out mim tonsoeep
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