The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
