I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
