How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
