The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
