I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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