I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
