so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
