If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Randomize
