I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
