She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
