Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
