Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
