Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
