just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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