Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize