This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
