just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
