i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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