The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
