meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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