nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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