Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
