i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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