We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
