apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
