She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
