Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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