My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
