no, he came in my armpit
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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