I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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