Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
