my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
