She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
