I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
