I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
