rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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