Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
