hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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