I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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