i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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