I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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