fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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