Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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