Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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