his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Im part way to drunk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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