so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
