The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
