I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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