I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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