If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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