Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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