So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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