Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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