Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
