Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
