If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
