it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
