Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
