I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
