i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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