I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
