i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
