Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
