i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
