Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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