I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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