you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
